well I can't set my house on fire every night
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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