so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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