I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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