onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
