Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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