This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
