I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
