Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
