she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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