Got a toothbrush?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
