If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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