new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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