GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
