You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
