they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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