hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
