I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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