Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
