***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
