One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
