If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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