The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
