As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
