the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
