I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
