Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
