....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
