Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
