If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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