Already got asked if we're dating
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You smell like stripper and shame
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
