I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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