I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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