Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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