Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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