it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
