When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
