Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
