remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
