so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
