I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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