Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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