Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
