Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We left the knife in your bed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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