never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
