i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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