that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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