You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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