If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
