I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
