what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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