Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
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On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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