took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
