the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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