If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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