I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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