I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
