no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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