My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
