sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
