took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
one might say we're banned from that church
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
